when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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