So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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