Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
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i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
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think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize