dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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