I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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