Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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