take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
