I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
