Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
