my vag is so smooth its legendary
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
