She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
