I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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