so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Randomize
