You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
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want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
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If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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