Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
