It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Randomize
