Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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