I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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