friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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