Texts From Last Night

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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?

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  (204): I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right? http://tfl.nu/emft
  Replies (9) Good night (1217) Bad night (730)
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?

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  (603): You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular? http://tfl.nu/marg
  Replies (7) Good night (2383) Bad night (631)
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...

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  (307): If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter... http://tfl.nu/rvqi
  Replies (24) Good night (5554) Bad night (820)
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.

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  (708): I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex. http://tfl.nu/cwao
  Replies (10) Good night (3637) Bad night (1049)
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  (218): View more from Minnesota

  I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.

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  (218): I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot. http://tfl.nu/z5np
  Replies (4) Good night (1039) Bad night (2976)
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"

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  (586): Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate" http://tfl.nu/hjnw
  Replies (6) Good night (1140) Bad night (3608)
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  (650): View more from California

  I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.

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  (650): I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain. http://tfl.nu/vu8q
  Replies (11) Good night (2154) Bad night (873)
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  (709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

  i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.

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  (709): i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk. http://tfl.nu/5r6v
  Replies (4) Good night (2696) Bad night (1081)
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?

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  (616): A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus? http://tfl.nu/o777
  Replies (13) Good night (6446) Bad night (1371)
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up

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  (404): You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up http://tfl.nu/mf69
  Replies (4) Good night (1015) Bad night (1717)
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  (850): View more from Florida

  There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.

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  (850): There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends. http://tfl.nu/r3vo
  Replies (3) Good night (1682) Bad night (559)
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."

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  (402): You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated." http://tfl.nu/111j
  Replies (2) Good night (1269) Bad night (818)
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  (209): View more from California

  I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.

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  (209): I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick. http://tfl.nu/jrjk
  Replies (1) Good night (655) Bad night (409)
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  (941): View more from Florida

  Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.

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  (941): Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door. http://tfl.nu/cryx
  Replies (5) Good night (438) Bad night (675)
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??

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  (973): I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me?? http://tfl.nu/odnb
  Replies (2) Good night (663) Bad night (325)

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