I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell