i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone