you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing