Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
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I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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