omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
well you can't waste a boner
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
