So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
