I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
