I can tuck mytits in my pants
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
