is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I miss vodka workout Fridays
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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