you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
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