OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
