I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Who put my cat in the fridge?
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
