Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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