I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
