Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
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She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
they're like a gay fantastic four
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
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Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
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