when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
