apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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