My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
