Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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