Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Randomize
