I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
