Michael Bay diarrhea
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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