Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Randomize
