Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
