There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Randomize
