I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Randomize
