my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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