my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Randomize
