I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Randomize
