I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
