it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
