I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Randomize
