wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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