The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
