It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Randomize
