I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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