I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
