If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
