Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Randomize
