paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
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