So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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