I didn't shave. On purpose
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Randomize
