i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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