M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Randomize
